UnReal is B.A.C.K!

Who cannot remember the ah-mazing tv show from last year’s summer season that made the once “single sad female” network Lifetime famous for something other than its C-rated movies of women in peril? Think abusive husbands and anorexic storylines. No? It’s not ringing any bells? Maybe that’s because the show is a bit off the grid because of its network, however it doesn’t mean that it’s not got a following. Even if a major voice in that following is just… Little old me.

UnReal is back for this year’s summer and the first 3 episodes of the season are IN. Let’s talk about them, shall we? I know it’s mandatory to warn you about spoilers and stuff, but like… If that’s something that’s on your mind, then please, go home and beg for yo momma for all the fucks I don’t give about that. I’m just going to go ahead and dig in!

Things I am already loving as much as I love cake:

  1. The suitor is BLACK! And the show is actually saying it means something real. Given the racial issues in the States over the past few months/years, I find this such a bold choice and definitely a sign pointing to the right direction, the right direction being “we are ALL people and we are ALL equally good/bad”. Skin colour, hair colour, straight teeth or no, none of that has anything to do with who we are as people and whether we love unicorns or not. I am firmly in the “love-unicorns” camp, but I would never not allow anyone entrance into my camp because of the colour of their skin! Now if they were wearing a t-shirt that said “Death to all unicorns” I might feel differently. But surely hair colour won’t have anything to do with coming into my camp.
    What I’m trying to say is: so far, I am loving the black suitor! He’s cute, he’s got a wicked smile and I genuinely love how the show is – in its own meta thinking – turning it into a big deal. Because… It IS a big fucking deal! So yay show!
  2. Rachel is still crazy. So cray cray, in fact, that she got like these weird tattoos together with Quinn at the beginning of the show? Literally they tattooed the words “Money Dick Power” onto their wrists. I’m guessing it’s to show some kind of ya-ya sisterhood thing, but clearly that didn’t last long. Rachel went behind Quinn’s back in zero point three seconds. Who doesn’t love a bit of backstabbing on this show? In any case, Rachel definitely still has the crazy eyes happening and I cannot wait what trouble that’ll cause her next!
  3. The Hot Guy. I’ve already forgotten what his name is, to be honest, but that doesn’t matter, as we will simply always refer to him as the hot guy. For those of you who do actually want to know who I’m talking about: it’s the guy who gets introduced in episode two at the very end. Basically Rachel’s backstabbing was meant so that she would be able to take over the showrunning of Everlasting, though you know what they say about the best laid plans… Instead, Gary brings in The Hot Guy to run the show and man, am I being serious when I’m telling you he’s hot! Also, I am loving the chemistry with Rachel. I wish they would have let it simmer a bit more before moving on to some of the more physical kissing bits, but I guess that’s what you get when shows only receive about 10 episodes a season. Things just move a hella lot faster.
  4. The manipulation. Oh god, it’s so awful to watch and yet it’s so friggin’ good! I do wonder whether it’s close to reality, as obviously one of the main creators of the show used to work on The Bachelor. So clearly she’s used a lot of her real life experience and worked that into the show, it’s just a matter of how much “artistic license” is being used here. In a way, I don’t know what I’d like better: for it to be wholly unreal – thus making the title of the show very correct indeed – or to be so close to reality, that we’d all have to face facts and remember that things like The Bachelor are all staged and thus – you feelin’ me already? – unreal! God I love this show and how meta it is. It’s like candy for my brain!

Things I am pretty dispassionate about, kind of like that feeling of “Oh that movie is on that I used to love as a kid, but then watched so often it got predictable and it’s now pretty nostalgic still, but also I’d be better off reading a good book… Hmm I’ll watch it, it’s fine enough. Also the remote is far away.”

  1. Chet is still around for some reason. He doesn’t look like a washed out loser anymore, as the actor has clearly lost a lot of that overflow fat – good for you! – but alas… He still plays such a loser character? He wants his kingdom back after spending time with some kind of woodlands tribe? How unreal is that? A little too much for me, to be honest. And then he wants bikini babes and slo-mo boobs instead of… The usual Everlasting crap? I mean, both are crap and very disrespectful of human beings, but at least the usual crap is disrespectful to all people, whereas Chet’s notions are only respectful to us with the boobs. The latter being discrimination. I’m not a fan. Also what’s up with the baby? When did he get born? Did I miss the part where he lost custody? Why is the baby even still a storyline? I thought Cynthia divorced him? Why am I supposed to care about this? Meh.
  2. That girl who got promoted after giving Chet a blowjob last season. I can’t remember her name anymore, I’m also not going to make an effort to care. I think she looks really weak and her response to Rachel helping her in her ear while talking to one of the candidates… Oh puh-lease, go away and never come back. I’m annoyed at her presence in the scenes. Is it the pig tails? It might be. They sure don’t help.
  3. Another suitor trying to clean up his image. Obviously, we now have a black suitor in comparison to last year, however this is the second guy who’s only signed up in order to clean up his image – be the gentleman. I get the precipice, but it means that straight from the start you basically have a dick on your hands. A lot of the early scenes with the candidates on the Everlasting show are all staged, all fake, because that’s just what he’s gotta do in order to make the show work for him. But I guess, I don’t know, it’d be a lot more interesting to have a suitor who actually wants to be there??? Is that crazy? Did that ever happen on The Bachelor? I don’t know guys, I think it’d make for an interesting dynamic, because currently it’s the women who are falling head over heals in love with “tha man” and it’s “tha man” who gets his pick of the crop and he doesn’t even care… It makes the feminist in me look sad, maybe?

There might be a few other things, but I’ll save that for some other time. I’m just wondering: are you guys watching, yes, no? What’d you think? How meta – and unreal – is this thing? I cannot wait for next week yo!